Today on the show we are talking about self-love and how to cultivate more self-love in our lives.

Self-love can be traced as far back as Aristotle. In the Nicomachean Ethics VIII, he explained how he believed one must not merely love oneself, but to love oneself most of all. He believed self-belief was a prerequisite to loving others. This discussion around self-love has continued since then through philosophers and psychologists alike. In the more modern years, it was Eric Fromm (1950s) who tied self-love to a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth. (Newsonen, n.d.)

When we are discussing about self-love we are not discussing narcissism or being selfish. Self-love isn’t about putting yourself on a pedestal feeling that you’re better than others. In a quote from Eric Fromm a German-born American psychoanalyst and social philosopher who explored the interaction between psychology and society. 

In the philosophic tradition you find a very clear that narcissism or egocentricity is something entirely different from self-love. Because self-love is love and in love it doesn’t make any difference who the object of my love is. I am a human being myself. Man must have an affirmative, loving attitude towards oneself. The egocentric person in reality is a person who does not love himself, and so he is greedy. In general a greedy person is a person who is not satisfied. ― (1991d [1974]: Therapeutic Aspects of Psychoanalysis, in: E. Fromm, The Art of Listening, New York (The Continuum Publishing Corporation) 1994, p. 188.)

This episode is about loving yourself and embracing who you are. Over this episode you will learn about self-love, how to embody it, and some action steps to keep yourself accountable.

I tend to agree with Aristotle and Erich Fromm – Loving yourself can lead to higher self-esteem, more confidence, resilient, adds to inner strength, and better relationships with others. -All of these positive qualities can lead back to loving yourselves and making decisions in our lives that are for our best interest. The benefits of self-love are many and it’s important that when cultivating self-love we be realistic. This isn’t about ignoring the good and just “thinking positive” nor is it about pushing away our self-loathing into a dark place never to be seen again. One theme you’ll notice in this show is that avoidance doesn’t help in the long-run.

This doesn’t mean that a lack of self-love is necessarily the fault of the person. There are many reasons people develop self-loathing or negative self-talk and can include trauma, abuse, or neglect. Self-loathing often has its origins in childhood, the parenting we received and the early environment we experienced. We want to get to the bottom of what’s happening and start to make those changes where self-loathing exists. This includes healing those parts where the self-loathing comes from, working on self-talk and creating mental distance from the voice in your head that is telling you all those self-loathing thoughts.

Let’s discuss self-love further. Self-love is about believing in yourself and treating yourself with love. Let me ask you a question: Would you be your friend with the way that you talk to yourself?  I hope so.

As Susanna Newsonen discusses in her article, the practice it isn’t about outward gestures of self-love such as the selfie of a self-love post on social media. It’s about the kindness that you show yourself. The kindness that you show your body, how you talk to yourself and how you respond when others praise you. (Newsonen, n.d.)

One thing you can start today in the pursuit of self-love is to accept any and all compliments with a gracious “thank you”.

Self-love isn’t only about thinking positively about yourself it also means doing things that acknowledge that your needs matter, your worthy, and you are deserving of the kindness you give others.

In her article, Sharon Martin lists the following way’s you can practice self-love in your life. (Martin & read, 12:41:35-07:00)

• Saying positive things to yourself
• Forgiving yourself when you mess up
• Meeting your own needs
  Being assertive
• Enforcing boundaries
• Prioritizing your health and wellbeing
• Spending time around people who support you and build you up (and avoiding people who don’t)
• Asking for help
  Letting go of grudges or anger that holds you back
• Recognizing your strengths
• Valuing your feelings
• Making healthy choices most of the time
• Living in accordance with your values
• Pursuing your interests and goals
• Challenging yourself
• Holding yourself accountable
• Giving yourself healthy treats
• Accepting your imperfections
• Setting realistic expectations
• Noticing your progress and effort

For your Action step this week I would like you to practice one or two of those self-love actives that you’re not already doing. Again here is the list:

• Saying positive things to yourself
• Forgiving yourself when you mess up
• Meeting your own needs
  Being assertive
• Enforcing boundaries
• Prioritizing your health and wellbeing
• Spending time around people who support you and build you up (and avoiding people who don’t)
• Asking for help
  Letting go of grudges or anger that holds you back
• Recognizing your strengths
• Valuing your feelings
• Making healthy choices most of the time
• Living in accordance with your values
• Pursuing your interests and goals
• Challenging yourself
• Holding yourself accountable
• Giving yourself healthy treats
• Accepting your imperfections
• Setting realistic expectations
• Noticing your progress and effort

Self-love and self-compassion go hand in hand. If you think that you struggle with people-pleasing or perfectionism, try to start a self-love practice. Move slowly and with self-compassion.

One good outcome of self-love is to move toward a life that is authentically aligned with who you are. Its through those small bite-sized steps that you begin to cultivate a life that you enjoy and that fits your needs.

To review:

• Self-love is not selfish or narcissistic. Actually, self-love just treating yourself and respect and kindness – the same that you do with the people around you.
• Sometimes when we don’t have self-love it can look like self-loathing, people-pleasing, or perfectionism.
• Self-loathing is usually rooted on events or upbringing in childhood.
• A lack of self-love can make life difficult and feel inauthentic to who you are.
• Try not to blame yourself for your lack of self-love. Be compassionate toward your current situation if you struggle with self-love.
• Take baby steps to build self-love habits.
• Self-love is about the way you feel about yourself and how you’re treating yourself. It has nothing to do with how others perceive you, its about how you see yourself.
• Self-love isn’t some self-help term, its researched and discussed in the literature.
• I mean, the philosopher Aristotle even spoke bout self-love.
• Self-love is connected to how you treat yourself and impacts how you treat others.
• Finally, building belief in ourself takes time, take baby steps to build your confidence and self-belief.

Thank you for listening.

Citations:

Martin, S., & read, L. L. updated: 28 M. 2019 ~ 3 min. (12:41:35-07:00). What is Self-Love and Why Is It So Important? Psych Central.Com. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019/05/what-is-self-love-and-why-is-it-so-important/

Newsonen, S. (n.d.). Self-Love: Selfish, Narcissistic and Arrogant? Psychology Today. Retrieved November 17, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/202002/self-love-selfish-narcissistic-and-arrogant

Therapeutic Aspects of Psychoanalysis, in: E. Fromm, The Art of Listening, New York (The

Continuum Publishing Corporation) 1994, p. 188.)